"90210" revolves around the Wilson family from Kansas, who move to Beverly Hills like the Walshes so many years before them. They're a tiresomely goody-goody group from the get-go. Rob Estes strains to be easygoing as Harry Wilson, the "Father Knows Best" who's hip enough to make gay jokes, while Lori Loughlin barely registers as Debbie, the ever- responsible wife and mother. Later in the episode, Loughlin gets to deliver the show's most excruciating line while talking to Harry's one-time girlfriend: "We could swap stories about Harry's penis!"
The "90210" writers have dressed up the stock material and characters in aughts attitude, to make the show relevant to post-millennial teens who've already seen "The O.C.," "The Hills," and "Gossip Girl." There is a catty gossip website run by alt girl Erin Silver - that would be Kelly Taylor's half-sister, known simply as Silver (Jessica Stroup). There are pop-referential lines about movies such as "Superbad" and various celebrities, including this take on West Beverly Hills High School: "It's like the Oscars and everybody is Scarlett Johansson." There's a Seth Cohen-like geek named Navid (Michael Steger), to add a dash of "O.C." irony for good measure.
And, of course, there are risqué sexual flourishes, most notably one involving oral sex that probably would have been considered outrageous on a network teen series 10 years ago. The scene is a desperate cry for controversy/attention.
The writers have also tried to spice up the Wilson family with a twist. Instead of twin children with alliterative first names like Brandon and Brenda, they deliver the irritatingly naive Annie Wilson (Shenae Grimes) and her adopted African-American brother Dixon (Tristan Wilds). It's not a bad alternative to the original setup - maybe the change even shows a hint of a spark of inspiration? But neither character has any depth or distinction. It's particularly disappointing to see Wilds playing such a flat character, after his complex work on "The Wire" as the cold-hearted yet innocent Michael. Grimes has a Disney Channel-ish perkiness that wears quite thin.
Even the potential teen villain, Naomi (AnnaLynne McCord), is just another "Mean Girl" or "Heather." And if a soap can't come up with a juicy troublemaker (see Blair on "Gossip Girl"), it's in trouble. Yes, Jessica Walter is on hand as Annie and Dixon's catty grandmother, an alcoholic actress who remembers the time that Ricardo Montalban cracked an egg on her backside. And Walter is intermittently entertaining, although she played a similar eccentric with far more kooky ease and less exertion in "Arrested Development."
As promised in the scads of advance "90210" publicity, the producers have thrown in characters and references from the original series to goose the audience. Jennie Garth is back, with Kelly employed as the high school guidance counselor; Shannen Doherty showed up briefly in the premiere to baby-sit for Kelly's 4-year-old boy, whose father's identity is still a mystery; Nat (Joe E. Tata) is still running the Peach Pit; and there was a quickie appearance by a character named Hannah Zuckerman-Vasquez, Andrea's daughter. But the old names and faces stay in the background, as the focus stays on the Wilsons and their wholesome tedium.
Who knows - maybe the show will find an audience and survive after early curiosity-factor ratings. Maybe, despite its lack of charm, "90210" will go on to be remembered fondly by a new generation of viewers. Bad TV has a way of sticking around.
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